(Repost from last Purim)
Dear Mrs. Brejt – I find Purim a very challenging day. Despite doing as much as possible in advance (mishloach manos and most of the cooking for the seudah), every year I end up exhausted and stressed on Purim. Instead of davening like I would like to, I end up feeling so stressed and even resentful. I would love any advice you could give me on how to have a better experience!
I feel like we rush rush rush all day long: first my husband hearing megillah, then me racing out to hear megillah, then the race to coordinate my husband and kids delivering the mishloach manos, the constant interruption of answering the door to people delivering mishloach manos (which I enjoy but which does mean it takes a long time to get things done with the interruptions), the kids’ wildness all day long (even though I limit their nosh consumption), trying to get people to sit down and eat some sort of lunch and clean up afterward, getting the seudah all warmed up and ready, setting the table, kids having meltdowns, people starting to arrive at different times, the house getting really trashed from all the drunk men and wild hefker kids and the constant in and out, having to serve the seudah and clean up while the men get shikker and sing and act silly, then eventually having to get all the hyper kids to bed by myself, and having to clean up a huge giant chametz mess all over my house.
I am very, very grateful to Hashem for giving me a husband, children, health, a home, food for the seudah, friends delivering mishloach manos, and the ability to have guests. I hope that what I wrote doesn’t come across as not being grateful. I’m not sure why I struggle so much with juggling all the things that have to be done on Purim, but I do. And I would really appreciate advice on how to enjoy the day and be able to daven properly without feeling stressed and distracted.
Thank you so much!
Dear Purim-Challenged Friend and Juggler,
Wow! I’m tired just listening to your description!
Let’s see… You are trying to be a devoted wife, responsible and caring mother, serious Megilla-hearer, Shalach Monos-preparer, -receiver and -deliverer, Seuda-server, -preparer and -cleaner-upper, with little, if any, assistance from your husband, and all the while trying to maintain some semblance of cleanliness, order, healthy eating, and spirituality in your home. Fatigue seems unavoidable. J
And maybe that’s part of the answer. Some situations are just that… – unavoidable. There really are very few items to take off the list of “Things to Do” on Purim. So Step One is to acknowledge it and accept it (and maybe welcome it?). On the other hand, important activities can sometimes be accomplished at lower levels of intensity, and this too might remove some of the tension. More about those practicalities below…
First, though, I’d like to share a remarkable – and remarkably easy – idea for injecting some calm into your davening on Purim. A few days before Purim, try to prepare a list of the specific requests you want to make –of HaKadosh Baruch Hu on Purim. This will ease your focus when you finally get your time to daven. Some women like to go to an early morning minyan (or get up early to daven at home – if getting out is not feasible) and some women daven at night when the house is quiet. In addition, making the effort to talk to Hashem all day long – while doing the “other stuff” – is certainly admirable. Whichever way works for you! The key is to make the effort to demonstrate the importance – to yourself (and to your children!) – of this z’man tefila.
Also, there is the age-old “Divide and Conquer.” If you and your husband could plan ahead and possibly designate certain activities that will be his responsibility, and others for you to do (yes, I know your list will be longer, but maybe not as long?), this will also alleviate some of the stress. For instance, maybe he’ll deliver Shalach Monos with the older children to the “other neighborhoods” (as the case may beJ), while you stay home to finish Seuda preparations/receive Shalach Monos/let the younger ones take a nap. Or, maybe you could do the driving and he’ll be responsible for greeting the dancing bachurim and writing the tzedaka checks.
In fact, while doing some of the pre-Purim scheduling, you might want to keep in mind that the z’man tefila of Purim extends back to Ta’anis Esther and forward to Shushan Purim (for instance, many people say Tehillim 22 on each of the three days) and include some of that less-intense time in your tefila plans, as well.
As for the practicalities that I alluded to above, we cannot (and aren’t expected to) do each of our tasks/responsibilities to the same nth degree. (I am definitely speaking to myself here, as well!) This means that, some years, we will have the wherewithal to make the most creative Shalach Monos, and on some Purims, the Seuda will be most elegant, and, sometimes, our davening will be incredibly inspired, or the children will be particularly well-behaved. (Hard-to-imagine, hmm?) The operative words are “some” and “or.” They will not ALL happen in the same year. Too many factors conspire to create different energy and different challenges – each year (and for each individual, and family, I might add).
But, pssst… Here’s the secret! Hashem knows all those ingredients! He prepared them, individually, for each and every one of us. Surely, the overwhelming stress of the day is His Plan. Success is in keeping our focus on the essentials – in spite of all the distractions – seeing through the “mask,” and uncovering the hidden essence of the day.
The beauty of your question is that, even with all your busyness, you’ve done exactly that by retaining your focus on the enjoyment of the day, and on the davening. I hope you are holding your head high for that fact alone!
So, if you permit me, let’s take a more-global view of Purim and fatigue. The key “take-home” message of Purim is that there is no such thing as “coincidence.” This is the very antithesis of Amalek’s battle-cry. Isn’t it “coincidental,” then, that the Torah describes us as “tired and weary” (see Devarim 25:18 and Shmos 17:8-16) when Amalek first attacked the Jewish people in the desert?
Perhaps, today’s “tired-and-weary” moments are opportunities to re-boot the vulnerable dynamic of long ago… When we choose to remain focused on what’s really important, and not get overwhelmed with the too-many activities coming our way, we rise to the challenge that Hashem is sending us.
Tired may be unavoidable; “tired-and-weary” is not. Sure, the practicalities of the day are all-encompassing – and addressing some of them, to reduce the load, is sometimes a necessity – but Purim is a day to celebrate our ability to see Hashem in all situations.
To summarize: Be realistic about your expectations – of yourself! Of course, you must plan proactively with your husband. And, look at your responsibilities through the proverbial “Torah spectacles”.
Lastly, here’s a CQP (Coaching Question to Ponder) for you: “What is one small step you might take – this week – to help you raise your excitement for Purim?”
A Freilichen Purim to you, and to your family (and to anyone else who might be listening in!),
Sara Brejt
P.S. Thank you to everyone who commented on the previous column – whether on the website, or to me, privately – especially those who were complimentary! All-in-all, all responses are welcome, provided they are positive and polite to other voices. I don’t have all the answers, to be sure, but if my words form a kernel for healthy, respectful conversation, I am grateful.
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